Death
by whythecynic
Summary: A journey through the minds of the Evangelion crew in a half-AU. Gendo has been killed in an Angel attack, and Rei is left alone, her mind in chaos. Warning: extreme angst.
1. 01: Rebirth

Rei clutched the glasses to her chest.  
  
It was an instinctive movement, and yet it was different this time. Before, all the memories of him were peaceful. Nice, even. However, they were dark this time. Images of a harsh father abandoning his son. Images of a father using his son for NERV. Images of that very father, treating her far better than he treated the son.  
  
She tried to shake away the images; but they stayed. She tried to drop the glasses; but a part of her would never let go. She tried to think of Shinji, yet only a tear fell.  
  
The glasses shattered.  
  
Shards of glass dug into her skin, drawing blood.  
  
Ah, the pain! The only thing that kept her going. The very pain that made humans human, that pain of loss, found a special place with her. She had never lost anything of importance. Once, maybe- the loss of Shinji as he drew farther from her…  
  
The pain brought her back to reality. The fog clearing from her mind, she watched as the blood slowly dripped from her mangled hand. She walked steadily towards the sink, before washing the wounds.  
  
_Washing the wounds. Shinji did that for me, once._  
  
Memories assaulted her yet again. She recalled the time where she scalded herself, and Shinji helped her to that very sink, washing her hand the same way she was doing it now…  
  
Again, the pain brought her back.  
  
Strangely, the pain was unwelcome this time. In the past, it was a part of reality. It was what made the world seem so real. It was the cold, hard truth.  
  
Strangely, she felt herself longing for the warmth again.  
  
_If you feel pain, then run from it._  
  
Why must I even feel pain?  
  
_It is part of life. Take care of yourself._  
  
Why must I feel the pain? Why must others cause me pain?  
  
_They do not accept you, because you do not accept yourself._  
  
But I do not need them.  
  
_Yet, you need them._  
  
… I wish to be.  
  
_You are. But you will not let yourself be. You will not let the world warm around yourself. You will not let others warm your heart, when that is what you desire. You will not change, for fear of change itself._  
  
I do not fear change.  
  
_You fear the pain._  
  
It is essential. A fear of pain is required for survival.  
  
_You fear the life that pain brings._  
  
Why must pain be part of life?  
  
_It is death._  
  
Why is pain death?  
  
_Is the warmth not life?_  
  
I do not need the warmth.  
  
_Do you fear it?_  
  
I am not human. I do not need Shinji.  
  
_Have you tasted it? Do you fear what you cannot see?_  
  
No… I do not long for warmth.  
  
_Do you fear what you do not understand?_  
  
But… I…  
  
_Do you fear what you are not used to?_  
  
I…  
  
_Then you are human._  
  
… Am I?  
  
_Only you know the answer._  
  
Do I?  
  
_You do. You fear the answer; you fear what it will bring. You fear that you will be as weak as other humans are. You fear the shattering of what you believed in. You fear the light, for it brings with it the fear of the new day. You fear your own humanity, because you are human._  
  
Rei knew it was right. The shame of being human, of being weak, of being everything she was not supposed to be was killing her.  
  
She stumbled into her bed, weakened by the loss of blood.  
  
For once, she shed angry tears of pain.  
  



	2. 02: Conflict

"Katsuragi-san?"  
  
"Yes, Rei?"  
  
"I… won't be going to school today."  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes, it's nothing serious."  
  
"Okay, you have a good rest. I'll get Shinji to check in on you after school."  
  
[click]  
  
"Katsuragi-san~"  
  
Rei dropped the phone, wincing from the pain. Shinji would be coming in the afternoon... and she had absolutely no idea how to react to him. She was afraid of the compassion that he would show, and of the feeling she knew that would invoke in her. She laid back on her bed and returned to the world of her mind, afraid of the answers, yet curious for them.  
  
-~-~-  
  
Why can't he just leave me alone? My life would be much simpler without him...  
  
_It would not be a life, then. It would be an existence._  
  
But I have a purpose. I pilot EVA 00 to protect Earth.  
  
_Is that your meaning in life?_  
  
Yes…  
  
_Yet you doubt yourself._  
  
But I can exist without him. Piloting the EVA against the Angels-  
  
_Does that fulfill your hopes? Is piloting the EVA all that you have dreamed for? Is it the only thing in life that you live for?  
Is something more human than yourself an accurate judge of your humanity?  
No, Rei. You need someone as human as yourself._  
  
I am not as human as Shinji… I am part Angel.  
  
_And Angels are part human. And humans are part Angel._  
  
…But he is completely human!  
  
_Your blood has nothing to do with your humanity. It is judged by your actions, by your thoughts, by your feelings.  
I would even go so far as to say that the EVAs are more human than some humans. They do not hide their feelings from others. Just like when Shinji merged with EVA 01. That was but a small example of NERV's actual plans. Your soul-_  
  
I have a soul?  
  
_All humans have a soul, but not before they question whether they have one._  
  
… Please continue.  
  
_The soul in EVA 01, which is partly your soul, cannot hide its feelings from Shinji. When the one of Might attacked him, she lost control of her thoughts, as did he. Their A.T fields dissolved, merging them into one through the LCL, which acted as a electric "bridge" between them, allowing thoughts to flow between the EVA and the plug. The "thought barrier" was destroyed._  
  
How does that relate to me?  
  
_Everyone's goal in life is to search for their goal in life; you need him to find yours._  
  
But how can he help me?  
  
_He is the one who knows your soul best. YOu are closer to him than anyone else. Like him, you see yourself as an amalgation of parts of others; now, you have to piece your soul together from the shards._  
  
The only time I have seen myself as a part of someone is when Commander Ikari was still alive. He was the one that gave me life.  
  
_That is only true if you were his daughter.  
He did not give you life, because you were in existence before you were alive, Rei._  
  
Then, who gave me life?  
  
_You did, Rei._ Rei? Rei?  
  
Rei woke up to the sound of someone knocking softly at the door.  
  
_Shinji…_  
  
"Rei? Are you at home?  
  
"Come in."  
  
The weary young man entered, the look of concern on his face hurting her deeper than any Angel attack.  
  
"Are you okay, Rei? Misato asked me to check on you after school."  
  
"I'm fine… thank you."  
  
She struggled to sit up. After all, he was a guest. Unexpectedly, he ran to her side and helped her to sit up.  
  
_He… cares about me… but is it because I am partly his mother?_  
  
"It's okay, Rei. I brought my own tea."  
  
He gave a small smile, one that made the corners of her own mouth twitch upwards.  
For a while, peace filled the room. It lasted until Shinji noticed the bandages around Rei's hands.  
  
"Rei, how's your hands?"  
  
Tension.  
  
"I'm alright, okay?"  
  
"You don't look so to me."  
  
Fear. Wrath.  
  
"Rei?"  
  
"I SAID I'M OKAY! I DON'T NEED YOUR CONCERN! I DON'T NEED YOU! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!"  
  
Nobody, not even Shinji himself, was prepared for what he did next.  
He hugged the distraught girl, trying to calm her down. He could hear her screaming at him, feel her fists pounding against his chest… and then, a soft dampness against his skin. The screams finally subsided, and Rei sobbed in his warm embrace, hating her enjoyment of it. A thousand repressed emotions ran through her, mercilessly raping her soul. The hatred of humanity, the love of Shinji, the knowledge that she was partly his mother, the fear of leaving the world she had known, the calm that he brought to her…  
  
"Shinji… please don't leave me…"  
  
"It's okay now, Rei… it's okay now."  
  
By the time she fell asleep, still in his arms, only one thought was left.  
  
_I… guess, I can let myself be loved…_  
  



	3. 03: Awakening

Rei shifted on her bed again, mumbling some incoherent words which sounded painfully like her pleading Shinji to come back.  
  
So, it was true. Rei DID dream, after all.  
  
Shinji shifted nervously in his chair. Trying to make sense of all that had happened in the last few hours was making him feel uncomfortable. Not succeeding, he decided that a beer of Misato's would help wake him up. Not that there was any logic in any of it, but it seemed like a good idea.  
Either it was that, or the fact that Rei was crying into her pillow, sobbing his name, and it was hurting him.  
  
---  
  
_You're just trying to run away again, aren't you? It seems we were mistaken when we thought you had finally grown up... heh. The only thing which your father didn't grow a spine in was you._  
  
Hey! That's not fair.  
  
_To who? You or your father?_  
  
I still can't figure out why I hugged her... can YOU tell me?  
  
_Only you know the answer._  
  
Damned memories... when you will leave me alone?  
  
_When we are not needed anymore._  
  
So, your purpose of existence is to... guide me?  
  
_No. We exist because you created us._  
  
I... my memories. I see. Rei, Asuka, Misato... all of you...  
But I don't want you to exist! Why do you still torture me?  
  
_As long as you are caught in the past, we will not leave you._  
  
Caught in the past... is Rei trapped by her memories, too?  
  
_Only she can tell you that. The ghosts of time linger; where there is no more pain, there is only sorrow._  
  
---  
  
Shinji turned to the girl who had fallen asleep in his arms. The same girl, who now longed for his touch again. And he knew it.  
  
There and then, Shinji decided that reality could go to hell. He got into the bed, beside her, and took her into his arms. embracing her frail form, Shinji couldn't help but pull her closer to him. _After all, it was a cold night..._ No. That was just rationalisation. He was attracted to her, and not in the way most other boys were. Most of his blood still went to his brain, as proof of that.  
  
Almost immediately, Rei began to calm down. Shinji found himself hoping to see her smile again...  
This time, the only thing that Memory brought was the faint smile she had given him after he resucued her from the melted EVA-00.  
  
_Was that why I did what I did? Because I wanted to see her smile again? For entirely selfish reasons?  
_ Actually... now that he thought about it, Rei had never really tried to hide her emotions from him. That smile had been a genuine one.  
_Does that mean that I enjoy seeing her happy? I know I risked my life to rescue her. But she could have mistaken me for father!_  
Gendo. It was strange, even to himself, how little his father meant to him, yet how much emotion Rei could invoke in him.  
  
He looked around for the glasses he knew Rei would have on her desk.  
  
On that desk lay a bent frame, and a few glass shards.  
  
_So... I'm not the only one trying to put the past behind me.  
I wonder if the first time Rei felt any emotion was when my father saved her.  
  
Any emotion... other than pain and hurt and loneliness._  
  
-~-~-  
  
Misato was anxious.  
  
It was very unlike Shinji to be late. Even considering that she had not given him a specific time to be back, he was rather late.  
  
That is, if one considered 7 p.m late.  
  
After all, he was a better cook than she was... and she was hungry from a day's work. Not to mention Asuka, who was just about to blow up. No doubt, it had been a bad idea to tell her that Shinji had gone to Rei's house... no use wondering what her overactive teenage imagination was thinking. It wasn't as though they were sleeping together...  
  
She shook herself mentally. _No, they aren't sleeping. He's comforting her over the Commander's loss, and it's all my overactive imagination._  
  
Misato took another beer from the fridge.  
  
_He'll be back soon._  
  
An hour and a half later, not to mention twelve beers, she wasn't so convinced. In a fit of desperation half an hour ago, she had tried to make something for them. Which was the main reason she hadn't gone out to look for Shinji, despite Asuka's incessant pestering. To be more specific, it had left them... incapacitated. Even Pen-Pen turned a colour not normally associated with penguins.  
  
_Green doesn't go with red. Have to remember that next time..._  
  
She gulped down the next wave of nausea. Steeling her mind and body, the latter less effectively, she exited her apartment, Asuka trailing behind her.  
  
_Damn that bastard Gendo. Rei's gotta move in nearer if this goes on._  
  
Needless to say, she was glad that elevators didn't travel horizontally. As she staggered towards her car, she made a vow never to drive like she did again.  
  
The tough Major plopped into the driver's seat of her battered car. Asuka managed to drag herself into the passenger seat, before passing out. Soon, they were on their way towards Rei's apartment complex.  
  
_Now that Gendo's dead, NERV will be disorganized, probably enough for the next Angel to do some heavy damage. Thank goodness the EVA cages are still intact. Commander Fuyutsuki's already seeing Geo-Front on the way to recovery, but he just doesn't have Gendo's cold logic. Admittedly though, he is quite a nice old man after all. Maybe I can get him to give me a raise..._  
  
Misato grinned, despite herself. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice the sirens until they were too late.  
  
_Hehe. And then, I'll get myself a new car..._  
  
"You in the blue sports car, pull over!"  
  
She snapped back to reality, and was greeted by a speedometer indicating a hundred miles an hour, and a police car on her tail. Suddenly not feeling very well, she slammed the brakes and fought back the urge to vomit.  
  
The car spinned, catching the policeman by surprise. After careening into a mailbox and narrowly missing a stray cat, it skidded to a halt beside the road. The police car tailing it swerved and stopped in front of the blue car, effectively preventing it from driving away.  
  
Readying his baton, he walked up to the driver's door and rapped on the windshield. Unfortunately, Misato's resolve gave out at that point...  
  
She opened the door, only to vomit all over the shocked policeman.  
_Aww... nuts. Could this get any worse?_  
"Hand over your license and registration." The policeman was rather composed, even after what happened to him, Misato noted. _He'd do good at Security._  
  
Misato pulled out her Nerv ID. "I'm with Nerv. You can let me go now."  
  
The cop eyed her closely before continuing. "Does that mean that you're above the law?"  
  
"You see, we Nerv personnel have certain priveledges, and this is one of them, in case we need to get anywhere in an emergency, especially in an Angel attack."  
  
Strangely, a smile started to spread across his face. It slowly became a grin, finally turning into a bout of laughter. Misato looked on in curiosity.  
  
"Look, if there's nothing else, I have to go. There's urgent business I have to attend to.  
  
He sobered immediately.  
  
_Bad move._  
  
"Now, lady, that's a good one you just told me. But laws are laws, and I'll still have to give you a ticket for speeding."  
  
Misato silently swore. Awakened by the sirens, Asuka did so not as silently._ Damn, a newbie. So, it COULD get worse._  
  
"As I said, we Nerv personnel are excused from this. Now could you let me go?"  
  
"You broke the law, Nerv or no. Speaking of breaking the law, do you intend to break the law again with her?" He cocked his head towards Asuka.  
  
Catching onto what he mant, Misato was suddenly glad that Asuka ate what she cooked. Otherwise, the policeman might have becomed another casaulty.  
  
"Misato, just take the damned ticket. I'm sick and tired of all this."  
  
Misato opened her mouth again to argue with the policeman.  
  
Fourteen minutes and three seconds later, an extremely disgruntled Misato continued towards Rei's apartment complex, a half-torn speeding ticket in her pocket.  
  
_Security be damned. I'm personally informing the police department of my rights next time._  
  
-~-~-  
  
Misato stopped at the front door to Rei's apartment. Hesitating slightly, she knocked on the door. Hearing no response, she knocked again.  
And again. And again. And... oh, you get my point.  
To cut a long story short, she knocked until she was on the verge of breaking the door down, then realized that it was unlocked. Letting herself in, she looked around for Shinji. Strangely, none of the lights were turned on. The only thing illuminating the place was the moonlight streaming through the window. Turning around, she happened to glance into the bedroom...  
And stopped short at what she saw.  
She clapped a hand to her mouth. Her heart, literally, skipped a beat.  
  
_I've seen Maya kiss Ritsuko, I've seen Kaji rise from the dead. Hell, I've even seen Gendo with a frightened look on his face, but THIS is ridiculous!_  
  
Behind her, the slap of a hand hastily raised to a mouth could be heard. Whirling around, Misato caught a glimpse of red hair as Asuka entered the bathroom. Soon, retching sounds could be heard.  
  
Some part of Misato refused to accept failures. _I bet that's not from my cooking._


	4. 04: A note, from the author

_A/N:I write whenever I'm inspired, usually at strange times of the night, and if I post a crappy chapter, it's probably because I rushed it. And it's because of this that I don't expect to update at this speed anymore._  
  
I put down my pen. For now.  
  
I am telling this story of lovers, because in my heart, I know how it will end. I have seen too much to be sure of how I feel, anymore. But I know where this will lead.  
  
The truth still stands, after all these... times.  
  
Do not ask who I am, or why I choose to document this light in the darkness that is the world. Many of your kind have wondered what I am; why I am; and why I do nothing to help the world, if I am. I can only say that it is my greatest wish to do so, and yet is against my greatest wish to do so.  
  
The Angels... My messengers. They were formed to bring equality. Bringers of Death to a world filled with Life. Alas, when the room of souls is finally emptied, Death will cease to visit the Earth... because Life will not, either.  
  
Before all this is done, I will record all that I have seen, as a memory of the Truth. In the hopes that my successor will learn from my mistakes as I did.  
  
Third Impact. Their name for the rebirth that must come after death. The time for my release from this prison that has held far too many good men. The same prison that houses one body, mind and soul, but countless memories. Truly, I hold infinity in the palm of my hand.  
  
You ask again who I am. In truth, I do not know myself. I only know that I created this world, and that I am doomed to watch the world until it's end. When that end comes, another shall take my place.  
  
What of Shinji and Rei, you ask? What role do they have in my story of billennia? Why do I pay special heed to them?  
Shinji shall take my part. I am sad for him; but it must be so. I only wish for him to be as human as possible before he joins us; he must feel love, anger, warmth, fear, hope and death.  
  
I cannot bear to talk about this. It hurts to think about them... because I was once like her.  
  
Rei. The only daughter I have.  
Even after all these years, I still feel happiness at becoming a father-in-law. Humanity is something that will never truly leave any of us.  
  
Reunification will be very painful for both of them. After all, she cannot live without a soul, while he will not live without her; yet, he cannot die. I must know that.  
  
The path of fate is theirs to walk, but some things are certain. The cycle of Life, Death and Rebirth. The human Mind, Body and Soul. The Watcher, the last soul after Reunification.  
  
My final messenger was the first to be created. All my bringers of Death are designed for that, but Tabris brings Truth, which is more powerful than Death itself. He is, after all, human. I made him that way.  
Maybe i should not have done so. Now, the Room has two less souls.  
  
Still, he must bring Death. The greatest source of Death to Humanity is Humanity itself, as the greatest source of Death is Life itself.  
  
There must be a purpose for them to continue living. It will be pointless for him to brood over the loss for as many years as I did.  
  
The rebirth of humanity can only come with death...  
  
Fiat Mors. 


End file.
